Wow! Long day! Never dreamed this would be a surgery that would take over six hours. So thankful the kids were here to wait with me. Now, their home safe and I'm weary to the bone. I'm heading out to my sister's house to sleep here in a minute but I don't want to leave till Mark is awake enough to tell him goodbye. We humans are never satisfied are we? For months now, I've been saying I'll just be glad when it's over, now I'm saying I'll be glad when he's all healed! Once we got the word that all was well, the kids and I started walking down memory lane. We spent the six hours waiting in the same waiting room where I spent some of the most agonizing hours of my life twelve years ago.
On that fateful day, at our local hospital the word heart attack was never mentioned, all the doctor would say to me was his heart was definitely "irritable". I'm sure that was his way of keeping me calm. So on the airplane ride to the city hospital, I thought we would find out he had some sort of spell and be home the next day. I mean after all, we were both just a couple years removed from our thirty's! When the ambulance deposited us both at the emergency room entrance, I was met by the most arrogant, non-compassionate, human being I have ever met. He may have had the reputation of being the city's top cardiologist, but his bed side manner had to be the worst known to mankind! He gruffly asked if I was the wife and when I said yes, he flippantly said they were going to take him back and see if there was anything they could do, but he doubted if there was, it was too late. Suddenly feeling faint, I cried out, "you know that already without even seeing him!?!" and he said "Yes, he could tell by the EKG they sent that the damage was already done and there was nothing they would be able to do." I stopped cold and watched them wheel my life down the hall. Since I had come on the plane with Mark, I had no family or friends there with me yet. I felt someone take hold of my elbow and lead me to the waiting room. Within an hour my children ranging in age from twenty four to eleven arrived. I remember looking up and seeing their expectant faces wanting me to tell them all was well and thinking I need an adult here with me. I couldn't believe I was the adult! Finally a nurse came out to tell us that the doctor wanted us to know that it wasn't quite as bad as he thought it was going to be. About that time close friends and our minister arrived. Together they helped us get through the next few hours. The doctor from hell (sorry, I don't have good memories of the dude) came out and said Mark was lucky to be alive, the LAD artery (aka the widow maker) was 99% blocked and therefore damage had occurred, but he had been able to put a stent in and he should recover. I asked if this meant he would have a shortened lifespan. He looked down on me like I was some sort of moron and sarcastically said, "Well yes! You don't develop hardened arteries and have a heart attack at his age and expect to live to be an old man!" I decided right there and then I was done asking this man anything. After he left, oldest daughter Kristi came and knelt down in front of me, took my hands in hers and said "Mom, that doctor doesn't know anything. If God wants Dad to live to be one hundred, he will live to be one hundred." I said "Oh, Kristi, I'm not wanting one hundred, I'm just hoping for sixty five!" (At the age of forty two, that seemed like a long long ways off, but now it doesn't seem like nearly long enough - I want more!)
Over the next few days, I remember being with Mark in his room and my girls in this waiting room. The boys, aged eleven and twelve stayed with friends but the girls stayed with me. They slept in the waiting room on the floor with blankets and pillows. I remember as long as they were with me I was I was good, but when I was alone it all came crashing in. But I also remember laughing hysterically with them. One event that brought this on was when Kristi and Jamie walked to a quick trip from the hospital one night, which wasn't the brightest decision they could have ever made because it is not the best neighborhood. In fact we found out later that they have security guards to walk people to the parking garage. But alas, at twenty four and fifteen, they thought they could take on the world. As they neared the store they saw someone who looked like a shady character to them so Kristi told her little sister, "Jamie if that guy comes after us, don't worry I've been doing Tia Bo, just do what I do." Jamie said, "But I won't have a clue what I'm doing!" so Kristi comforted her by saying "Well just hit him with your best cheerleading kick!" I am very happy to report that the guy did not pursue them because with self defense like that, I don't think the outcome would have been a good one!
One thing I distinctly remember was the strong feeling of God's presence beside me every step of the way. I remember hearing him tell me that this may feel like I was walking through hell, but it actually was a blessing. I held on to that thought, thinking I may not know what the blessing was in this life, but someday I will know. I think in the past twelve years, I have been given glimpses of the blessing we were given on that day. First of all, I saw at a young age how fragile life is. I not only try to treat Mark like it could be my last day with him but also everyone I love. I appreciate every single day I have with him. Little irritants no longer irritate. I can see the way it has matured both of us, how God has molded us both as we have walked through the "fire", especially Mark. Twelve years ago he was the world's worst patient, mad at the nurses, mad at the world, bitter, depressed, everything that they had told us a young heart patient would go through. Now, he accepts everything as just a part of life. He is kind to the nurses, grateful for all they do for him. His attitude is unbelievable. If he does get down, he pulls himself back up. He learned that feeling sorry for himself only manages to make him feel worse. I have watched him learn to rely on God, instead of himself when things get rough. Of course if I could wiggle my nose and give him a strong healthy heart I would, but I can see how the "gift" God gave us has made us the people we are today. I can see that the husband I have at fifty five is an even better version than the one I had at forty two! And I couldn't be more grateful that I am the one lucky enough to have him for at least a few more years.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Waiting Room
Today, I write from a hospital waiting room, a place that has become very familiar to me in the past twelve years. On May 30, 1999, my then forty three year old husband suffered a heart attack. The following year was a nightmare as we dealt with one setback after another. He went through probably six additional heart cath's in that first year alone as chest pain was a constant for him. In July, his heart rate was only thirty beats a minute so he had a pacemaker installed. It helped, but within a couple months they realized that one of the leads had apparently not attached the way it should and was not firing properly, so they put an extra one in. This, along with the usual trial and error to get the right medicine combination and dosage that accompanies a heart patient's recovery made for a memorable year to say the least!
After we got through that first year, things got better and people who do not know him would never guess he is a heart patient. He has a very physical job and can do work that a lot of guys his age can no longer do. A year ago, after an episode of feeling bad, we went to his cardiologist for a check up and he didn't come back home for ten days and when he did, it was to recover from a triple by-pass. I was SO grateful we got him to the doctor before it was too late, the cardiologist's said he probably wouldn't have lasted much longer as he was almost 100% blocked in three arteries. We expected him to feel better than he had in a long time, and I did thrill to the fact that he could go on long walks with me at a good clip and not have to stop, bend over, grab his chest, and catch his breath. He complained though, that he still didn't feel good. He said he was still waiting for that "Wow!" factor everyone said he would experience. Several times a day, for no apparent reason, he would suddenly feel very weak and dizzy. Call's and visit's to the doctor were met with questions like are you getting enough rest, are you drinking enough water, are you getting up too quickly, and so on. On two different occasions he passed completely out and fell to the ground. The first time was out at his shop when I wasn't around but the second time I was. It is just a little disconcerting when you are at a garage sale with the love of your life and he kills over between a freezer and a doll house. Luckily no one else noticed, I helped him up, we got in our vehicle, I called the doc and said we have got to figure out what is causing this because THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! Since we were already in town, they had us come right over. Eventually it was discovered that one of his pacemaker leads is bad and when he moves a certain way it shorts completely out.
So here we are, having his entire system replaced. They are going to replace it with a pacemaker/defibrillator so if his heart ever goes into cardiac arrest it'll shock the heck out of him and he'll keep on ticking! I like that! In order to replace everything, including all three leads, they will use a special machine that fits around the leads and using a laser, will cut all of the scar tissue away from them all the way down to his heart, and then they will unscrew the lead out of his heart tissue and replace them with new ones. He and I have been through a heart attack, a dozen heart cath's, a triple by-pass, a pacemaker installation, pacemaker battery upgrade, a hernia repair, knee surgery and a few other misc hospital stays, but this is a new one, and I'll admit, I'm a little scared. We both know it probably is nothing compared to the by-pass we went through a year ago, but we are still apprehensive. I mean, how much trauma can one heart take?! One of our fears is that if there are any complications they will have to split him open again. He has kept the most wonderful upbeat additude through all of this, but I think that having to go through that again when he just recovered from the first go round would be enough to send his spirit crashing to the depths. I sure will be glad when they step out here and say it is all done and everything went well.
Thank goodness for kids who put their lives on hold to come and support their parents through these trying times. I have Kristi and her boys, Karen, grandaughter Lexi, Stacie, and Kyle all here with me and I know the other two are praying. It helps keep my mind off of the "what if's" that will raise their ugly heads during the next four - five hours. Those darn things sure came to visit me a lot this past week. As long as it was daytime and I had work to do, worries stayed away. But, as is the case with everyone, at night, when I would wake up, worries became monsters and imagination ran wild. I would snuggle up to Mark and wonder if this was my last week to have him. Knowing it was a silly thought, but unable to put it out of my mind enough to go back to sleep, I would pray. I asked Jesus to please keep him safe for me, to guide the doctor's hands, to give me many more years with this wonderful man. And He would calm me, I slept again, waking the next day with the monsters at bay once more, until the next middle of the night. Today turned into tomorrow, into the next day and into the next until here I am, waiting once again for a man in a white coat to come out and tell me that my soul is intact, my life is worth living, my world is still turning and my sun still shines.
After we got through that first year, things got better and people who do not know him would never guess he is a heart patient. He has a very physical job and can do work that a lot of guys his age can no longer do. A year ago, after an episode of feeling bad, we went to his cardiologist for a check up and he didn't come back home for ten days and when he did, it was to recover from a triple by-pass. I was SO grateful we got him to the doctor before it was too late, the cardiologist's said he probably wouldn't have lasted much longer as he was almost 100% blocked in three arteries. We expected him to feel better than he had in a long time, and I did thrill to the fact that he could go on long walks with me at a good clip and not have to stop, bend over, grab his chest, and catch his breath. He complained though, that he still didn't feel good. He said he was still waiting for that "Wow!" factor everyone said he would experience. Several times a day, for no apparent reason, he would suddenly feel very weak and dizzy. Call's and visit's to the doctor were met with questions like are you getting enough rest, are you drinking enough water, are you getting up too quickly, and so on. On two different occasions he passed completely out and fell to the ground. The first time was out at his shop when I wasn't around but the second time I was. It is just a little disconcerting when you are at a garage sale with the love of your life and he kills over between a freezer and a doll house. Luckily no one else noticed, I helped him up, we got in our vehicle, I called the doc and said we have got to figure out what is causing this because THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! Since we were already in town, they had us come right over. Eventually it was discovered that one of his pacemaker leads is bad and when he moves a certain way it shorts completely out.
So here we are, having his entire system replaced. They are going to replace it with a pacemaker/defibrillator so if his heart ever goes into cardiac arrest it'll shock the heck out of him and he'll keep on ticking! I like that! In order to replace everything, including all three leads, they will use a special machine that fits around the leads and using a laser, will cut all of the scar tissue away from them all the way down to his heart, and then they will unscrew the lead out of his heart tissue and replace them with new ones. He and I have been through a heart attack, a dozen heart cath's, a triple by-pass, a pacemaker installation, pacemaker battery upgrade, a hernia repair, knee surgery and a few other misc hospital stays, but this is a new one, and I'll admit, I'm a little scared. We both know it probably is nothing compared to the by-pass we went through a year ago, but we are still apprehensive. I mean, how much trauma can one heart take?! One of our fears is that if there are any complications they will have to split him open again. He has kept the most wonderful upbeat additude through all of this, but I think that having to go through that again when he just recovered from the first go round would be enough to send his spirit crashing to the depths. I sure will be glad when they step out here and say it is all done and everything went well.
Thank goodness for kids who put their lives on hold to come and support their parents through these trying times. I have Kristi and her boys, Karen, grandaughter Lexi, Stacie, and Kyle all here with me and I know the other two are praying. It helps keep my mind off of the "what if's" that will raise their ugly heads during the next four - five hours. Those darn things sure came to visit me a lot this past week. As long as it was daytime and I had work to do, worries stayed away. But, as is the case with everyone, at night, when I would wake up, worries became monsters and imagination ran wild. I would snuggle up to Mark and wonder if this was my last week to have him. Knowing it was a silly thought, but unable to put it out of my mind enough to go back to sleep, I would pray. I asked Jesus to please keep him safe for me, to guide the doctor's hands, to give me many more years with this wonderful man. And He would calm me, I slept again, waking the next day with the monsters at bay once more, until the next middle of the night. Today turned into tomorrow, into the next day and into the next until here I am, waiting once again for a man in a white coat to come out and tell me that my soul is intact, my life is worth living, my world is still turning and my sun still shines.
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